When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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