I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
