ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
