It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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