Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
