So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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