I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
