Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
