The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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