Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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