Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
