i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
