just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
