I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
MIDGETS
????
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
