At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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