i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
