so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
