I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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