It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
