hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
