You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
She needs sedatives and a leash
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
