dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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