mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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