you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
