I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
