Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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