There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
