it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
