I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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