Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Randomize
