He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
