On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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