well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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