I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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