I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
