Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
