# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
