it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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