It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Randomize
