I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
