It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
