Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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