you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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