So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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