Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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