She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
