Your face is a jimmy john
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
