You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
