i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
how do you play pong handcuffed?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
