You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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